


If You'll Have Me

by 4StarsOnOurShirts



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27612124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4StarsOnOurShirts/pseuds/4StarsOnOurShirts
Summary: Loner Tobin and Cheerleader Christen High School AU that I couldn't stop thinking about. Tobin and Christen have attended the same high school for years, but never really noticed each other before a chance encounter under the bleachers.
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 79
Kudos: 319





	1. Pom Pom

Tobin’s Pov

I was trying to get a break from this shitty day. One of the only places I could escape to on school property to be alone was under the bleachers. What a cliché. But after the last class this is where I always find myself waiting for my idiot brother who lingers talking with his skater friends before eventually joining me so we can figure out where we want to go to avoid going home for as long as possible. Today being under the bleachers wasn’t as relaxing as it normally was. Today was Thursday, and there was a rescheduled football game tonight. The sounds of the cheerleaders practicing above me on the metal bleachers was almost taking all the fun out of the upskirt views I had from down here. Their stomping was making me hear a ringing in my ears. Out of frustration I reached for the cigarettes in my backpack pocket. I took one out and jammed my hand into my jeans front pocket grabbing my worn zippo lighter. I took me three tries at flicking the lighter with my thumb before I got a steady enough flame to light the cigarette. 

“Hey…” a quiet voice said at a distance from me.

I glanced in the direction of the voice while taking a drag on the cigarette. It was a cheerleader. What the hell was she doing here.

“I don’t mean to bother you,” she continued grasping onto one of those shiny things that they use when they do their routines.

“Then why are you here?” I countered trying not to express my true annoyance.

“I dropped one of my pom poms during practice. It fell from the bleachers and I think it might have fallen right around here,” the dark haired girl said pointing to the area behind me.

“You don’t know where it went?” I asked giving her a once over with my eyes.

“Well I didn’t see it fall. My friend Ali kicked it by accident and this is where she thought it might have landed,” she answered 

“This is a serious problem. How will the boys ever win tonight if you don’t have your second….um…”

“Pom pom,” she said smiling.

“Yeah you can’t very well call yourself a cheerleader without those I guess,” I said before taking another drag on the cigarette.

“Would you mind helping me look for it? I don’t have a lot of time before we have to go set up for the players banner run through.”

There were a lot of weeds growing under these bleachers so I could see why finding it might be difficult. I glanced down at my watch suddenly wondering why my brother Jeff was taking longer than usual.

“If you have to be somewhere, don’t let me keep you,” she said pulling the hem of her cheerleading skirt down some.

This is such a trope. Why are uniforms so sexy? Stop staring at her legs!

“I don’t have to be anywhere,” I spat out.

“I’m Christen by the way. I don’t think we’ve met,” she said staring at me with inquisitive eyes.

“It’s a pretty big school,” I answered nervously tapping my cigarette to get rid of the ash that was accumulating.

“Are you a freshman?”

“God no!”

“Sorry I just am really surprised that I haven’t seen you around before.”

“I’m not. Does it really look like our paths might have crossed for some reason?” I asked flicking my cigarette on the ground, because I was becoming too nervous with her watching me smoke.

“Did you transfer in this year?”

“No, why are you asking me so many questions? Didn’t you come down here to find that stupid thing? Why are you grilling me?” I asked feeling my wall of stability break at her inquiry.

In my life it never meant anything good when someone was trying to learn more about me.

“I…I didn’t mean anything by it…I’m sorry,” she whispered getting emotional.

What the hell did this barbie have to be emotional about? I bet she has never had to deal with any kind of hardship her entire life.

“Can we get out of here?” My brother asked skating up next to me along the sidewalk.

Christen turned away from me quickly and started to walk with a purpose directly towards the gym.

“Wow, what did I just interrupt?” Jeff asked picking his board up off the ground. “Fuck she is hot,” he said watching her walk away.

“Didn’t you say that you were ready to go?”

“Tobin are you not seeing what I’m seeing? Look at her ass,” he continued never taking his eyes off of her retreating form.

“Yeah I see her, let’s go,” I insisted tightening my grip on my backpack.

“What I would do to her…” he said lustfully. “If you had been with a girl you would understand where I’m coming from right now.”

“Sure Jeff you are all knowing because you have had sex like three times all in the back of a car.”

“Shut up,” he said with a laugh pushing my shoulder.

“Will you please go and sit your ass in the car, I gotta go back in the gym to piss?” I asked holding out my car keys to him.

“Fine,” he sighed taking the keys from me.

I waited until he was far enough away from me that I wasn’t in his line of sight anymore, before I immediately went looking to find the pom pom. I moved my hands through the weeds and looked for a minute or two before a sparkle caught my eye. I picked up the blue and gold pom pom that had brought Christen down here in the first place. It felt so small and light in my hands. I gave it a squeeze and heard crinkling noise before I decided to shove it in my backpack. I walked with my head down straight towards the gym without glancing back at the direction of my beat up Jeep Grand Cherokee. I was too mean to her. I mean she looked so hurt, she had no idea what she was walking into, just trying to get this stupid pom pom back. Once I made it to the entrance of the gym I walked in slowly. There was a crowd of people. Football players waiting for the game, coaches, random parents, and the group of cheerleaders. There were about twenty of them in the corner of the building on the edge of the basketball court. This was a mistake, there were so many people. Why did I think it would be just her in here? I backed up out of the way of three massive football players that were trying to put on their pads and I felt myself stumble into something. It was the first row of the collapsible bleachers. I managed to steady myself but the next second I felt a blow to the back of my head. The force of it threw my momentum forward and I my left hand it the floor first taking all of my body weight. It bent at a harsh angle and I grimaced in pain as the rest of my body collided with the ground.

“Oh shit Josh what did you do?” I heard a voice say amongst many others.

I tried to get up to avoid the embarrassment that I knew was coming. But I moved my left hand and the shooting pain made me yell.

“Don’t try to get up,” a voice said sweetly. “The trainer is coming I sent someone to his office.”

“No, I don’t need help,” I said trying to find my voice.

I rolled over in defiance of whoever was trying to help me. Every movement of my left arm amplified the pain immensely. I groaned as I got my first look at the person who was trying to help me. It was her.

“Fuck,” I sighed seeing spots in my vision while trying to look away from her.

I was now laying on top of my backpack and it was digging into my back. 

“I don’t want you to be in more pain than you have to. Don’t fight me,” she continued placing her hand on the strap of my backpack. “Let me help you get this off,” she stated lifting my shoulder off the ground on my right side and removing the strap from my right arm.

“Ok, this one is going to be tricker. I’ll go as fast as I can,” she promised putting reassuring pressure on my left shoulder. “Ready?”

I just looked away from her, so defeated at these turn of events. She lifted up my left side and it was over in a second. But the strap caught on my thumb of my injured hand and pulled it suddenly.  
“Shit!”

“Sorry, try to relax,” she pleaded.

I closed my eyes and I felt her hand lightly on my head smoothing out my hair.

“Tom is here. He’s going to look at your hand.”

“Christen can you tell me what happened?” He asked.

“Well Josh was swinging his helmet around and he didn’t see her behind him. His helmet hit her in the back of the head pretty hard from what my friend said, and then I saw her try and brace her fall with her left hand. I think that is what is causing her the most pain,” Christen answered with concern in her tone.

“Ok so the left wrist and a possible concussion.”

“I don’t have a fucking concussion,” I said angry.

“Can you tell me your name?” Tom asked as I looked up at him.

“This is stupid, I know my name, I know where I am, I don’t have a concussion. He didn’t hit me that hard.”

“I’m sorry we have to take any injury to the head seriously. Please answer my questions. If you can answer them then we can get through this process faster. Tell me your name,” he said in a less friendly manner.

“Heath,” I whispered.

“Heath? That’s your name?” Tom questioned.

“Yes, my name is Tobin Heath,” I said losing what little fight I had left in my voice.

“Ok Tobin. Can you tell me the name of our school and what grade you’re in?”

“Torrance High, and I’m a Senior. Lucky me.”

“Good, now I need you to follow my finger with your eyes ok?”

He proceeded to do a few more ridiculous tests. Surprisingly Christen never left. I thought that she would probably leave after he arrived, but she continued to try to comfort me with a touch to my arm or head every now and then.

“The good news is you don’t have a concussion, but it looks like you might have broken your wrist. It might be a really bad strain, but I can’t be sure without x-rays. There is an urgent care facility that is ten minutes from here, we can get someone to take you there for an x-ray and treatment.”

“No, I really don’t think it’s broken. Can’t you just wrap it?” I asked in disbelief.

“Your wrist is swelling rapidly right now, I strongly advise that you get an x-ray. In the meantime I can go get some of the numbing spray from my office that I use for on field injuries to help manage your pain. I’ll be right back,” he said standing up and jogging back to wherever his office was.

“I can’t go to an urgent care. I can’t,” I said the worry pouring out of me.

“Tobin it’s going to alright. It might not be broken but they have to make sure, so that you can heal faster.”

“You’re not listening. I said I can’t go there,” I said sitting up suddenly.

I felt a rush to my head, but the pain was really isolated to my wrist at this point.

“You don’t have to be scared.”

“I’m not fucking scared. You don’t understand.”

She shrank back at my outburst. She leaned over to hand me my backpack, but just as she was about to let it go something caught her eye. The edge of her pom pom was caught in the zipper of my backpack.

“You found it?” She said surprised, unzipping the bag enough to take it out.

“I just wanted to leave it for you.”

“Thank you Tobin.”

“I’m really not trying to be an asshole, but I can’t go to that urgent care,” I said looking into her eyes.

“Ok, ok….” She looked behind her trying to see if Tom was on the way back yet. “When he comes back we can tell him that I’m going to take you there, and once we get outside you can go your own way. Will you be able to drive with your wrist?”

“My brother can. He is supposed to be waiting in the car. He’s probably confused why I’m not back yet,” I answered as she re-zipped my backpack and placed it next to me.

She smiled down at the pom pom she was holding in her hand. I began to really look at her. Her dark hair which was pulled back tight into that uniform bun that all the girls had. Her shiny fingernails that must have had a clear coat of polish on them. Her long arms and legs, and her surprisingly light colored eyes. Tom returned and immediately started to treat my wrist with the spray. He also gave me a wrist brace that he said I could wear it only after the urgent care confirmed that nothing was broken. I thanked him, and Christen informed him of our story that she would be accompanying me to the care facility. Both of them took an arm and helped me to stand up very slowly. Christen walked me outside and she kept one hand hovering behind my back to be ready at any moment in case I faltered in my movement. Once I got within sight of my car I turned to her.

“Thank you Christen. Really,” I said looking from her to my feet.

“I hope that your wrist will be okay. You should probably put the brace on if you aren’t going to see a doctor,” Christen said taking the brace from my right hand. “Can I help you with it?”

“Uh yeah…I guess…” I answered holding my injured wrist closer to her.

“I’m not sure if it will hurt less if I put it on fast or slow,” she wondered.

“I would like to just get it over with.”

Her thin fingers ghosted across my wrist guiding it into the position she wanted. She un- velcroed the cloth brace and placed it around my thumb first, before grasping onto me tighter and pulling the fabric around the wrist firmly. I winced trying to be stoic in front of her. I heard her take a deep breath.

“Does it feel too tight? I’ve had a couple of sprains in my life from falls and roundoffs. It has to be tight to be effective, but it shouldn’t be causing you more pain than before I put it on.”

“It’s not too bad,” I answered doing some test movements.

As soon as I moved it to the right I felt the pain increase.

“Ow…damn.”

“You should ice it on and off, and make sure to keep it elevated.”

“I’m also left handed so this day couldn’t get any better.”

“I was just thinking at least it’s her left hand.”

“I do everything with my left and even if my handwriting is shi-…isn’t so great to look at,” I said trying to see how long I could look at her before I felt the need to glance in another direction.

“Maybe I could help you…”

“You shouldn’t feel bad about this, it’s Josh I want to pummel,” I said completely serious.

“It might be safer for you to avoid the gym for awhile,” she suggested chuckling.

“I usually try to. Let’s just say that I hope tonight is your best cheering performance….uh routine….”

“Having two pom poms is always a step in the right direction.”

“I should get back to my brother,” I said backing away.

“I’m going to check in on you, for your health’s sake.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah bye Tobin.”

She turned on the ball of her foot, the grace of her athleticism on full display, to walk back towards the gym. Christen, Christen….


	2. Jeff and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Relationships new and old are tested.

I slowly made my way to the passenger side of my Jeep, and I met my brother’s eyes. He looked at me confused and slightly annoyed. I saw him reach over and turn the key in the ignition halfway so that he could lower the window. After the window was all the way down he turned the key backwards to the off position. Then he leaned over the threshold of the window sporting that signature smirk.

“I was about to leave you here Tobin. I thought you might have fallen in the toilet,” Jeff said chuckling at how funny he thought he was.

“Well I almost wish it was as simple as that,” I answered holding up my left hand so he could see the brace.

“What happened?” He asked immediately dropping any tone of joking.

“It’s fucking embarrassing,” I sighed.

He opened the passenger door quickly, and I stepped back to give him room. I stood up in front of me at his full height. He was a good half a foot taller than me, but he always slouched so it always caught me off guard when he did this. He was thinking about what to say to me next. He pushed his short bangs off his forehand. His hair was the exact same color as mine, A light chestnut brown that always got lighter in the summer. No one ever questioned that we were siblings. Our facial features, hair and mannerisms always seemed intertwined to me. He was only a little over a year younger than me, but we felt like twins growing up. He was my entire family as far as I was concerned.

“Jeff…I’m okay…” I whispered to reassure him.

“Was it an accident?”

“Yes completely.”

“Tobin we promised to never lie to each other. Everyone else…fuck them, but not you and me. Tell me that someone didn’t do this to you. I know that we’ve always wanted to lay low here, but I can’t allow someone to hurt you. I know that you don’t need me to defend you, you’re the strongest damn person in my life. But it’s me and you T,” he said fighting the moisture invading his eyes.

“I know bro,” I said rubbing his shoulder with my good hand. “I swear on mom, this was a complete accident. My ego is way worse off than my hand. I was just walking to the bathroom and tripped over a fucking football helmet, and put my hand out on instinct. A trainer gave me this, so I’ll be 100% in no time.”

“My head was just racing with so many awful thoughts. There are so many assholes in high school,” he sighed letting his posture return to his normal slouch.

“I hate that you still worry, at least when we are at school.”

“I always will,” he revealed closing his eyes and rubbing his temples for a moment.

“Likewise, but the one upside is that you get to drive,” I said attempting to lighten the mood surrounding us.

“Yes,” he said pumping his fist. “Wait…what about dad?”  
“The usual…he’s never going to find out about this. I’m going to take off the brace before he gets back from work, and put it on again after he passes out.”

“Ok….ok…”

“He won’t find out,” I said confidently.

“Hey guys,” a voice said breaking us out of our worried state.

We both glanced in the direction of the voice. There she was.

“Christen?”

“I’m glad you’re still here. I made it all the way back to the gym, and I noticed this on the floor where you fell,” she explained holding out my opened pack of American Spirit cigarettes. “I’m just glad no one else found them.”

“Thanks,” I said taking them from her, and placing them in my pocket quickly.

“Sure, though I can’t say I condone the habit,” she said smiling at us both.

“I’m sorry you had to come all the way out here again.”

“That’s ok I was actually trying to kill sometime so it makes our story look plausible. If I was driving you to urgent care that would take some time before I showed back up.”

“Urgent care?” Jeff repeated trying to process.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to-“ Christen began.

“Jeff it’s really fine, the trainer guy just was being overkill about it all.”

“Really…Josh hitting her was a complete accident,” Christen spat out trying to help.

“Josh!” He said clenching his fists. “Josh!” He yelled quickly moving around Christen and beginning to jog towards the gym.

I froze in shock at the turn of events. What do I do?

“Tobin…I…”

I dropped my backpack to the ground and started to run after him. Out of instinct I wanted to pump my arms to help me move faster, and I only got about thirty feet before the pain in my wrist surged. I groaned stopping.

“You have to stop him!” I yelled turning back towards Christen. “He will start a fight if he finds Josh. Please catch up to him. He will probably get expelled. Please!” I yelled desperate.

My yell jolted her back into the present, and she quickly took off running after him. I could still see him in the distance, he hadn’t reach the gym yet. There was still time to stop him. I followed them as fast as my wrist would allow. Christen was fast. Faster than I could’ve ever imagined. I saw her reach the gym only moments after Jeff disappeared inside. Movement in my peripheral vision diverted my attention suddenly. The football team was pouring out of the lower doors down the hill from the main entrance to the gym. Thank God! Josh was in there somewhere, and Jeff wouldn’t find him inside. I continued to the entrance and burst threw the double doors. Where were they? I scanned the top level of the gym and only saw a few members of the marching band hanging around. I moved over to the railing and looked down at the basketball court below. I finally spotted Christen and Jeff at the edge of the court. Christen had a hand on his wrist and was trying to hold onto him. He easily slipped out of her hold and kept moving forward towards the last few football players exiting the gym. I ran down the stairs to join them on the court. At this moment I could feel no pain. All that mattered was stopping him. As I got close to them I saw Christen step in front of him to block his path. She put her whole body in front of him, and she had a defiant look on her face. Jeff faltered in his next step and finally looked down at her. This gave me the last bit of time I needed to reach them. I stood next to Christen to also look up at him.

“Josh accidentally hit me with his helmet. I didn’t tell you because I thought you might not believe me Jeff. It was absolutely accidental. Josh never saw me behind him,” I said willing him to look me in the eyes.

He glanced over at the double doors.

“Right Christen?”

“Yes Josh didn’t even see Tobin. He swings his helmet around like that all the time,” she confirmed lowering her hands from the defensive position in front of her body.

“That’s the whole truth?” He asked angry.

“Yes Jeff. You have to calm down. We can’t risk your future, this is not something to risk everything for.”

“You’re not someone to risk everything for?” He asked.

“Jeff…”

“God Tobin…” he sighed walking away and putting his hands on his head.

I stood watching him move out of ear shot. He was just pacing now. The gym was now pretty much clear of everyone else.

“Tobin I’m so sorry about all this,” Christen said in a quiet voice.

“I don’t…I can’t talk about this anymore.”

“What else can I do?”

“Christen can you please just go.”

“But maybe I can-“

“Just go back where you belong! With your other shallow fucking cheerleader friends! To cheer on all those dumbass jocks!” I screamed letting out the rage I had been burying for days.

She took a step back and shrank into herself. I took a deep breath trying to relax the rigid muscles in my body. She bit her lip and backed further away from me. I started to feel the regret weigh on me. She looked so small. She touched her her uniform briefly before jogging towards the girls locker room. I clenched my right fist and dug my fingernails into my palm. A very common coping technique of mine.

“This isn’t about her Tobin,” Jeff said walking back over to me.

“I know. I just snapped.”

“She didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”

“Ok, now you are Mr. Level headed. You know I can’t control it sometimes, the pressure builds and it has no where to go.”

“She doesn’t know that.”

“I know! This whole day is one unfortunate mess. It’s over, it happened. There’s nothing else I can do about it. We should go now.”

“What if she’s beating herself up in there,” he said looking towards the locker room.

“We don’t know that. We don’t even know her, and we can’t control what she does. Let’s go, we left the keys in the engine!” I pleaded beginning to move towards the stairs.

“Oh god,” he said realizing the vulnerability of that. “I’ll run ahead,” he said taking off at a sprint and passing me.

I followed him at a begrudgingly slow pace.

Later that night

I was in the bathroom when I heard the front door open. My body seized at the noise. I had just taken my brace off to wash my hands. I quickly shoved the brace into the pocket of my hoodie. I could hide that, but what could I do about the bruising that had only gotten more dark red since we had left school. There wasn’t any make up in this house to use to cover it up.

“Where the hell are you two!” my father yelled suddenly.

It was one of those nights. 

“I’m here dad, Tobin’s in the bathroom,” Jeff answered after I heard our bedroom door open.

“Tobin, Tobin, Tobin, that’s not what I fucking named her! Stop calling her that, that will never be her name.”

“Dad-“

“And what are you doing in your fucking room right now! The place is a mess, there’s no dinner to be found. What could you possibly be doing in your room right now!”

“Homework.”

“Don’t try to bullshit me Jeff. All day long people try to bullshit me and think that I won’t notice, that I’m not fucking smart enough to figure out what they are trying to pull. Well just like you they are going to learn the hard way that you can’t get one past me. You weren’t doing homework, I’ve never seen you do god damn homework. If you did maybe you wouldn’t be on the verge of failing all your classes. I can’t even look at you right now. Why don’t you go outside and do something productive like mow the grass.”

“I mowed it on Monday.”

“What was that! Come and look at the freshly mowed grass Jeff!”

I heard shuffling feet and the front door open again.

“Do you see the grass Jeff?”

“Yes.”

“What’s growing in the grass?”

“Weeds,” my brother admitted.

“Then I think mowing it again would be a good idea, don’t you think?” Our father asked before I heard the door slam loudly.

His six foot 4 frame thudded back through the house. I looked at myself in the mirror and closed my eyes right before his fist came pounding on the bathroom door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we feeling about the direction of the story?


	3. The Familiar

The Next Morning

“We’re good, he’s already gone,” Jeff said walking back into our bedroom.

I sighed rolling over to face the wall in my bed.

“How’s your wrist? Do you feel like ditching?” He asked concerned.

I used my uninjured hand to rub my head.

“I couldn’t really sleep. Dad was even more of an asshole than usual last night,” I responded staring at the Ramones poster I had put up on the wall over three years ago.

“I hoped that he would let it all out on me after the day that you had yesterday. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I feel like I’ve only made this whole situation worse for us.”

“You deserve to feel comfortable Tobin. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice that.”

I slowly rolled over to face him.

“Did he hit you last night?”

“No, just all the yelling you overheard. I swear,” he answered sitting down on his bed across the room.

“I wish he would hit me instead.”

“Don’t say that. That is the one redeeming thing he has going for him.”

“I don’t want to be treated differently than you Jeff.”

“Neither of us should be treated like this Tobin. It’s getting worse, it’s almost unbearable to have to come to this house every night. If he ever hit you that would be the last straw. I would either kill him….or we would just leave. We’ve talked about leaving so many times…”

“I just think we should finish school first. It would be a nightmare to try to transfer somewhere else without a parent in the picture, and feel like we would never get through a GED program. And with the shitty amount I make at the bookstore I just don’t know how we could afford a place of our own.”

“You know I’ve wanted to get a job for awhile-“

“No Jeff. I’ve told you how I feel about that. You have to focus all your energy on your classes. If you get held back….that’s not even something that I want to think about. It’s just a year and a half until we are both graduated we can do this…we have to do this,” I said sitting up and pushing my hair over my shoulder to one side.

“We will Tobin. We’ve made it so far already,” he said standing up. 

He walked towards me, and paused looking down directly at me.

“So are we ditching?”

I laughed at his change in mood.

“You know I’m always down for that, but we’ve already ditched three times this month. We have to go.”

“Fine…we should get going then.”

“Jeff could I borrow your-“

“You don’t have to ask anymore Tobin. Anything of mine you can wear. Grab whatever you want. I’m going to make some breakfast quick, get dressed ok?”

“Thank you Jeff,” I said focusing my eyes on assessing the coloring of my skin around my wrist.

“I love you Tobin,” he said squeezing my upper arm firmly.

I let my eyes glance up at him, but looked back down at my wrist after a few seconds.

“Tobin, Tobin, Tobin…you have such a badass name.”

I exhaled at this unexpected wave of emotion I felt. Don’t fucking cry right now!

“Wear the red Air Jordans today. They are our good luck charm.”

“We could share shoes two years ago, but you’ve grown five inches since then. Your shoes wouldn’t even stay on my feet.”

“Wear two pairs of socks and tie them tight. You are wearing them. Being smaller than me has never stopped you from doing anything before. Now stop making excuses, I’ve got to flex my culinary skills and make us some bagels,” he laughed jumping up to hit the top of the door frame on his way out of the room.

Later At School

I was sitting on the ground in front of my locker waiting for the hallways to get less crowded. Technically there was supposed to be ten minutes in between classes, but the bell always seemed to ring after about seven. I looked up at the throngs of students passing in the halls. So many groups, so many couples, so many names and faces I still didn’t recognize after three and half years here. It was a rarity that Jeff and I ever crossed paths at school. The school was huge, and it was divided into wings by the classes. The Juniors had no reason to be walking through the Senior halls unless they were talking AP classes. Jeff was re-taking Sophomore math and science because he failed them last year. The gaps between the people in the hall were widening. Maybe it was time to head off to History. As I was about to stand up I saw a group of girls gathering around a locker. They were holding something. I could only see glimpses of colors and their legs through the people walking in between me and them. I stood up out of curiosity. They were covering the locker in paper. It’s too early for a fucking promposal. Maybe it was for some other dance. I noticed a decorated name cutout that was being held up against the locker. I followed the hands holding it to the jet black hair. The hair was swinging back and forth at the hurried movements the girl was making. She turned her face to the side to gesture at another locker and that’s when I realized it was her. The cheerleaders. They weren’t in their uniforms. Oh good observation Tobin…they wear other fucking clothes. Somehow Christen’s outfit still screamed cheerleader. She had on a fitted t-shirt with the school’s logo on it, and dark denim jeans with white Keds. There was even a bow holding her ponytail in place instead of a normal hair tie. She was so focused on the lockers. The other girls seemed to be looking to her for direction. She reached up on her tip toes to place a foam football cutout at the top of the locker. Suddenly a body was blocking her from my view. Lettermen jacket, it’s gotta be one of those fuckboy jocks. He towered over her, and put his hand on her lower back to lean over and see what she was placing on the locker. I took a step forward without registering what my body was doing. His hand started to slide lower. Is he her boyfriend? I moved to the side to try and see Christen’s face. That said it all. She didn’t want that. I put my hood up as I moved forward. I threw my shoulder into his back as I walked past the group.

“What the fuck!” He exclaimed as I took off at a jog.

The bell rang as I turned the corner. Was it really only second period?

Lunch Period

I escaped to just outside the back doors so that I could have a cigarette. I fumbled the lighter trying to light it with my right hand. The sound of the doors creaking open open startled me. I threw my cigarette I had just lit onto the ground and stepped on it.

“I thought you might be here.”

I turned my head suddenly to look at the doorway. Was she looking for me?

“What?” I said confused.

“Did I make you waste a cigarette?” Christen asked closing the door behind her.

“Uh…I thought you were a teacher. I don’t normally see anyone out here.”

“You aren’t the only one that smokes in this school you know. One of the girls on the squad told me she comes out here to sneak a cigarette sometimes,” Christen said looking me over.

“One of the cheerleaders smokes?” I asked in disbelief.

“Yes, she started to lose weight. It’s not healthy, but a lot of girls do it to stop themselves from eating.”

“Oh…”

“I know it was you this morning in the hallway.”

“What-“ I stuttered.

“I saw you sitting on the ground across from us when we were decorating the lockers, and then when someone ran into Derrick I saw those same shoes I saw you wearing disappearing around the corner.”

“Christen that was-“

“Thank you,” she interrupted folding her arms across her chest.

“You aren’t mad at me?”

Her brow furrowed in expressing her puzzled thought process.

“For Yesterday.”

“Tobin I don’t really understand all that happened yesterday, and I was upset by what you said to me in the gym….but I couldn’t not tell you thank you for this morning,” she said letting her voice crack.

I looked at her wishing that I could just understand all that she wanted to say without her having to actually vocalize it.

“You have no idea how often that happens. So you doing something about it was…just thank you,” she explained before reaching out for the door.

“I’m so fucking sorry for what I said to you. I mean I was really terrible to you, and that was so wrong of me to treat you like that. All you were doing was helping me. So I’m really sorry,” I managed to get out.

“It was a really stressful situation for you and your brother, and I made it worse.”

“That’s not an excuse to treat you the way I did.”

She smiled at me. I watched her push back her flyaways. 

“How did I never notice you before?” She asked clasping her hands in front of her body.

I didn’t know what to say. I had never really noticed her either. My brother was the only person in this school I had regular contact with. I liked it that way. I didn’t have to lie or conceal my home life or past if I wasn’t close to anyone.

“Sorry that was just me thinking out loud. I do that more than I would like. How’s your wrist holding up?”

“It’s not worse today, so I’ll take that as a win.”

“If it doesn’t improve in the next day or so….I mean I would be concerned that you might have broken or fractured something. I have a sports doctor that I have gone to for all my injures maybe I could take you to see her.”

“I appreciate your concern. I just have to deal with this in my own way. It’s not painful, I promise.”

“I just had to get it out there. Do we have any classes together?” She asking placing her hands inside her front jean pockets.

“Do you have Mr. Miller for English?”

“Yeah fifth period.”

“Me too,” I said feeling the nervousness reach my voice for the first time.

“I guess I’ll see you soon. I hope I didn’t ruin your cigarette break.”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“I guess it doesn’t really help the healing process, so maybe you did me a favor.”

“I’m going to go grab some lunch before they close down the line. See you in English,” she said pulling her hands out of her pockets to give me a small wave.

“Ok,” I said watching her walk through the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that said they are enjoying the story. I am trying my best to spend more time writing the next chapters.


	4. The Catcher

English Class

“I expect to have all your essays on my desk at the beginning of class on Monday. You all have the weekend to finish your essays on what theme from ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ relates to your life and remember it is worth ten percent of your overall grade,” Mr. Miller explained looking over the entire class, trying to make eye contact with as many of us as possible.

I sighed, sinking further into my rigid chair that was in the back right corner of the classroom. I had finished my essay a week ago. This was by far my easiest class. Books were my escape, and I had read ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ for the first time in middle school. I had worked at the independent bookstore in town for two years. It didn’t pay a lot but I wouldn’t give up that job for any other. I looked forward to going there. That wasn’t the case with school. I could do most of this work by myself, why did I have to come here everyday with so many people who didn’t give a shit about me or even know my name. The shrill ring of the bell brought me out of my introspection. I stood up slower than the other people around me. I slung my beat up black backpack over my right shoulder.

“I’m going to have to spend the whole weekend working on that essay. I’m disappointed to say I haven’t even started it,” Christen said walking towards me from her front row seat.

“Oh…that’s not something I would’ve guessed.”

“Yeah? You must think I schedule every moment of my life.”

“Well what’s that?” I asked pointing to want she was holding in her arms against her chest.

“It is a calendar that I aspire to live up to, but that doesn’t always materialize into the reality that is my day to day life,” she answered not trying to suppress her grin. “Where are you with it?”

“I’m finished.”

“No way! Completely?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m very jealous. I’ve found the book hard to get through. I’ve sat down to read it so many times, and I just end up nodding off. I know it’s a very powerful book though. I’ve read about half of it.”

“You should definitely stick with it…at least for the sake of your essay,” I said itching at the space in between my wrist brace and my skin.

“You’re right, I would be interested to hear more about what you have to say about the book if you have time after school.”

“Um…I’m going right to work after school today…”

“Where do you work?” She asked quickly.

“The bookstore on Northside Ave.”  
“Oh I’ve driven past that, but I’ve never been inside. What’s the name of it…”

“The Book Nook.”

“Yeah, it’s got the rhyming going for it.”

“It’s definitely not the name I would’ve picked, a little too kitschy for my taste,” I responded watching her place her calendar on my desk and readjust her ponytail.

“I actually don’t have practice today. Would it…maybe I could…stop by the store.”

I felt panic seize my body. Why was she talking to me so much? This isn’t a phenomenon I was used to.

“If you want.”

“You sure? I could always go to Barnes and Noble and spend my money,” she said looking at me to see if I might laugh.

“Please don’t do that. The store is lucky to get ten customers in a day,” I said making the tone surrounding us serious.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah the Barnes and Noble employees don’t know what they are talking about anyway. How long is your shift?”

“I’m closing today so I’m going to be there until nine.”

“Ok I’ll stop by…and maybe get a sneak preview of that essay…for inspiration purposes,” she continued backing down the row of desks with an amazing awareness of her surroundings, never bumping into anything.

The sociable thing to do would have been to respond with some witty remark, but I just watched her leave. She paused at the doorway as if giving me one more opportunity to change my mind or say something…anything. But I didn’t. It was times like this that anxiety seemed to control me. I had talked to her more today than I did with anyone else this school in a whole week. She nodded and vanished into the hallway. I exhaled the breath that seemed to be stuck in my throat. She was beautiful, she was popular, why was she so interested in me? I shuffled my way out into the hallway. I still had one more class today…fucking PE. I am well aware of the massive cliche that it is to despise gym class, but for me it was torture…and ironic at the same time. I had loved sports growing up, I played basketball, soccer, and flag football. I played with my brother on the boy’s teams as long as they would let me, but as I became a teenager that all changed. I couldn’t connect with any of the girls on my teams, and I quickly quit all the sports I was involved with. I still enjoyed physical activity, but not with anyone else around. It was such a vulnerable place to be…in a fucking locker room with thirty other people. I was late to start running laps everyday because I refused to go into the locker room while anyone else was in there. Maybe today my wrist would get me out of the whole degrading experience altogether?

At the Bookstore

I restocked the last shelf in the science fiction section. The store had been quiet for more than an hour. I was the only one here. Six months ago the owner had to let go Jake, a man who had worked in the store for years. The owner Lisa could only afford to keep one of us, and Jake volunteered to go, he said I needed the money more, and that he would be fine…maybe even enjoy an early retirement. I was beyond grateful to him, and he still came in the store every once in a while to see how I was doing. As I placed the last book on the shelf I was working on I let me eyes drift to the store windows. Christen was walking in front of the store, but she walked right past the door. Did she change her mind? Two seconds later she reappeared walking in the other direction, before she came to the door. I saw her pause and then pull the door open. The motion hit the entrance bell that alerted me whenever someone entered the store. I made my way down from the ladder that I was on.

“Tobin?” She called softly.

“I’m here,” I said appearing from behind the stack of books.

“Oh…hey.”

“Hey.”

“This place is incredible. The wood floors and furniture makes me feel like I’m in a college professor’s personal library,” she said in awe looking around the store.

“Definitely not Barnes and Noble?” I asked.

“Correct. That makes me even sadder to know that business hasn’t been good.”

“That’s the nature of small business. It’s just gotten harder and harder over the years for small businesses to survive. Everyone wants convenience. To have it shipped or go to one store for everything they need. That makes everything be average, and leaves the extraordinary and special places like this in the past,” I expressed almost saying it to myself.

“You are so right,” she agreed.

“Feel free to look around. I’m just reorganizing some stuff.”

“Will do,” she said placing her hands in the pockets of the school windbreaker she was wearing.

She must have gone home before coming here. She was wearing different clothes from earlier. She was wearing athletic wear, a dry-fit material top and leggings. I watched her make her way in between two stacks of books. She moved slowly reading the titles and touching the spines of the books. It was a good fifteen minutes later that she made her way around the store. I made my way over to the register trying to see if I could locate where she was in the store from the elevated platform that the register was located on. As I was taking inventory of the cash I finally heard her walking back towards the entrance.

“Did you see the first editions we have in the back?” I asked causing her to look over at me.

“I did. That’s incredible. I wish I was more well versed in literature. That would allow me to appreciate all this even more.”

“If you have any questions let me know.”

“Where would I find ‘Catcher in the Rye?” She asked laughing.

“Did you lose your standard school copy?

“I might have gone home and been unsuccessful in locating it,” she answered holding her hands up in innocence.

“It was fortuitous that you came today. I’ll show you where you can find it,” I said leading the way down one of the aisles.

I grabbed the sliding ladder for that aisle and slid it to the C section. I put my foot on the first step.

“Would it be okay if I went up?” Christen asked quietly.

“Yeah…sure,” I answered stepping off and sliding it towards her. “It’ll be in the second row up there and to your left.

She climbed up slowly and paused once she reached the second row. Her eyes scanned the spine titles until she found the one we were looking for.

“There should be a fiftieth anniversary hardback edition and a more recent paperback one.”

“I found them,” she exclaimed pulling the hardback version from the shelf.

She held the book in one hand and stepped down one step. Her foot reached down for the next step and her hand slipped from the ladder. On instinct I reached my hands up to stop her from falling. My hands made contact with her butt holding her up, and she dropped the book and took hold of the ladder again. My hands retracted from her immediately.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry,” I said angry to myself.

“Tobin it’s ok,” she said stepping down to the floor.

“It’s not, it’s not…ok for me to put my hands on you like that,” I said backing away.

“You stopped me from falling, it wasn’t anything more than that,” she said trying to convince me.

I looked down at my hands and suddenly registered the pain in my wrist. I grimaced flexing the wrist which was still in a brace.

“Your wrist,” she said reaching out towards me.

I backed up a step.

“I just tweaked it a little,” I said moving my left behind my back.

“What Derrick did today is nothing like what you did. Please believe that.” she said honestly.

“I just wanted to help.”

“You did, thank you. I just really hope that I didn’t hurt your wrist more.”

I bent down and picked up the book she had dropped with my right hand.

“You would think that a cheerleader would be more graceful in the air,” she said trying desperately to change the mood.

I handed the book over to her.

“Tobin please say something.”

“So do you want to buy the book?”

“Yeah…I do…”

I led her back to the register in silence. I rang it up and she paid with a credit card. As I was handing her the card back the bell above the door rang. 

“Yo Tobin can we get those In-and-Out burgers that I have been thinking about all day,” my brother said entering the store holding his long board under his arm.

Christen turned towards him after putting away her card.

“Oh hi, I’m sorry your name is…” he trailed off.

“I’m Christen.”

“Christen, Christen right. What brings you to the store?”

“English class emergency. Your sister’s expertise is saving the day,” she answered smiling at him.

“...great. Tobin I’m starving here.”

“Ok I can close up early, I really doubt there will be anyone else coming in,” I said locking up the register. “Thanks for checking it out Christen.”

“Thank you, I’m actually headed to have dinner with my friend Mallory…you both are welcome to join if you would like to.”

“Does said place have burgers?” Jeff asked immediately.

“Yes.”

“We’re in,” he said not noticing me roll my eyes and sigh under my breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for any and all comments. What other USWNT members are we hoping make an appearance as fellow cheerleaders? I have some ideas in mind but I wanted to hear people's thoughts.


	5. Am I A Surprise?

“Why do you look pissed?” My brother asked as Christen stepped outside the shop to call Mallory. “Is it what she said?”

“I’m pissed because you just volunteered us to go to dinner with her.”

“Uh…why wouldn’t you want to spend more time with that insanely hot girl? And girls like her always have lots of hot friends, so Mallory I’m looking forward to meeting you,” he said with a smug grin that aways made the scar on his chin more noticeable. “You can have Christen…and I’ll take Mallory,” he continued leaning on the counter.

“We aren’t going to have either of them. Women aren’t things to be had Jeff! Nobody should be talked about that way,” I said slamming the register shut.

“God Tobin, calm down. What’s really going on?”

“This isn’t a good idea.”

“Having dinner?”

“Don’t patronize me. You know what I’m saying.”

“What I know is we never get chances like this Tobin. Yeah it’s a fantasy, but I think we deserve to have fun. To have a care free night,” he said softly.

“We keep people at a distance, in the end it’s easier that way.”

“She invited us. You can’t seem to get rid of her as a matter of fact. This isn’t about me, your deflecting the fact that you might actually want to spend more time with her.”

“Jeff that’s not-“

“Bullshit Tobin,” he whispered bringing his hand down hard on the counter.

“It’s not bullshit! It’s not! Do you not think that my history keeps me from even entertaining the idea…the idea…”

After dropping his board on the ground he reached over the counter and put his hands on my shoulders.

“Hey, you’re good. Everything is good,” he said remaining calm. “We can blow it off,” he encouraged looking into my eyes.

The bell to the shop rang again and Christen came in, and Jeff stepped away from me.

“Ok I let Mallory know. She’s actually already there. The restaurant is only a few blocks away,” she explained wrapping her arms around herself to ward off the fall air that was getting colder everyday. 

“Christen I think Tobin-“

“Needs a cigarette.” I said interrupting him. “I mean if it’s only a few blocks I think I’ll walk so that I can smoke,” I finished making it seem like it made a lot of sense.  
“Ok, I guess we should all walk then,” Christen suggested.

“If you’re too cold, it’s ok,” I countered.

“I’m too much of a California girl. Even though it doesn’t get very cold here, I’m still a wimp about it. I’ll be ok.”

“I have an extra sweatshirt that I keep in the office in the back of-“

“Yes!” She exclaimed. “Sorry, that would be great. I’m not trying to pretend like I’m tough over here,” she continued rubbing her hands together for warmth.

Quickly I moved to retrieve it. It was hanging on a hook behind the office door. It was a dark blue billabong sweatshirt that was oversized on me. Jeff had given it to me last year. I wore it so much that I ended up wearing thumb holes into the sleeves. Is this too ratty for her? It’s the only option I had. I made my way back over to the two of them who were standing in silence.

“It’s not the nicest,” I said handing it towards her.

“No this is great it looks cozy,” she said pulling it on quickly.

“Let’s get going, my stomach demands it,” Jeff chimed in.

I quickly turned off the lights and locked everything up. Once we were all out on the sidewalk I quickly lit a fresh cigarette. After I took my first drag on it I felt myself relax in a way that I only could while I was smoking.

“You guys should walk ahead of me so you don’t breathe in the smoke,” I suggested self conscious of how Christen feels about it.

“Cool,” Jeff said walking about ten feet ahead with Christen trying to follow in his huge strides.

“Do you not want to smoke?” I heard Christen ask him.

“Me? No, Tobin would kill me if I ever smoked,” I answered as I allowed my lips to curve up slightly around my cigarette at his response.

They walked further ahead to where I couldn’t hear their conversation anymore.

Jeff’s Pov

“Oh sorry I just assumed that if she did, you would probably also,” Christen explained.

“No problem.”

“It sounds like Tobin actually doesn’t want to smoke herself. Is she trying to quit?” She asked me.

“Um…not really. It’s kind of a complicated subject for us.”

“I don’t mean to pry.”

“Don’t feel bad for asking. You seem really nice so try not to let Tobin being Tobin scare you off, ok?”

“I would just like to get to know her.”

“Tobin is….Tobin’s great. It’s just really too bad other people don’t know that.”

“It’s nice that you both are so close. I’m an only child. I always wished I had a sibling.”

“Yeah I don’t know where I would be if I had been an only child,” I admitted shocked at how honest I was being with this girl.

Tobin’s Pov

Eventually we all made it to the restaurant, and I managed to finish my cigarette and throw the bud away outside before we all entered the diner like restaurant. Dark red booths lined the walls, and there was a black and white titled floor. This place was new to me. It was called Howards after the family that started it I guessed from all the framed photos near the doorway entrance. It was a seat yourself causal kind of place. Christen looked all around the restaurant searching for her friend.

“There she is,” she said relieved, locating her on the far end of the restaurant from us. 

We followed her in silence, and I took in all the families and couples eating their meals around us.

“Hey it’s great to see you,” Christen said wrapping the other girl in a hug as soon as Mallory stood up.

“I know it’s been too long. We’ve got to hang out more, I still can’t believe it’s your senior year,” Mallory said hugging her tight.

“Mal this is Jeff and Tobin,” Christen explained nodding in our direction.

“It’s nice to meet you all.”

“Likewise,” Jeff said smiling at her.

“Sorry about this booth, it’s kind of meant for two,” Mallory said looking at the seats on either side of the table.

“We’ll make it work,” Jeff said confidently sliding into one side.

Mallory sat back down on the other side and Christen moved into the spot next to her. I moved in slowly next to my brother.

“Are you all the way over?” I asked with half of my body still not in the booth.  
“Yeah sorry,” he said trying to make his body narrower.

I stood back up at a loss for what to do. I glanced around the diner and I didn’t see another place open.

“Let me sit there Tobin. I’m smaller,” Mallory offered.

Christen stood up immediately and Mallory quickly took the spot next to Jeff. I sat down across from my brother and Christen sat down next to me.

“As long as we don’t start practicing cheers right here we should be good,” Mallory said making both of them laugh.

“You cheer too?” I asked curious.

“Yeah that’s how we became friends. We don’t go to the same school, I go to Buena Park High about half an hour from here. But we met a summer cheer camp that invites people from the whole surrounding area. She was my mentor, and I’m so grateful that she still is. I was a freshman and she was a Junior when we met last summer.”

“We did hit it off pretty quick. It was meant to be that we got paired up,” Christen said reaching across the table to squeeze Mallory’s hand.

“What can I get started for you kids?” A waitress asked approaching the table with a notepad in her hands.

“I haven’t even looked at the menu, but if you have it, could I get a double cheeseburger with onion rings,” Jeff said right away.

“Sure what to drink?

“Water is great, unless you guys have milkshakes? He asked hopeful.

“We do. Chocolate, Strawberry or Vanilla?”

“Chocolate no question,” he said handing over his menu.

“Got it. How about you girls?” She asked.

“I’ll have the Cobb salad please with ranch dressing, and an iced tea,” Mallory answered.

“I was planning to get the iceberg salad, but I think I’m going to go with a BLT and water,” Christen said closing her menu.

“And what about for you young la-“

“Tobin wants the same thing as me, right?” Jeff interjected.

“Yeah,” I said quietly.

“But you want a Vanilla shake instead right?” He asked.

“Sure.”  
“Cool, thanks a lot Trudy,” Jeff said glancing at her name tag.

“The kitchen should have that out soon,” she said walking away with the menus.

“So how do you all know each other?” Mallory asked.

“They go to my school. I kind of ran into Tobin the other day during practice, and she works at a bookstore not far from here. We were all hanging out there, so I thought it would be nice for us all to eat together.”

“New friends,” Mallory said with genuine intrigue.

My brother had that dumb look on his face that he always got around beautiful girls. Mallory was beautiful, but next to Christen…

“Isn’t Buena Park High playing us next Friday?” Jeff asked.

“Yeah, it’s going to be awesome. Chris and I get to cheer on the same field and I’m staying over at her house all weekend,” Mallory said practically jumping in her seat.

“How the fuck did you know that?” I asked surprised.

Mallory rose her eyebrows in shock of the cuss word.

“Tobe…chill out. I look at the bulletin boards as I walk through the halls occasionally. But more importantly we have never been to a game before…isn’t that right Tobin?”

I inhaled a deep breath to prepare for the flirting that I was going to have to witness for however long this meal lasted. I could feel Christen’s eyes on me even though mine were focused straight ahead at Jeff. This was a mistake, and I knew it would be.

“No way. You can’t be telling the truth? Both of you have never been to a football game at your school?” Mallory exclaimed starting to flirt back with him.

“Totally telling the truth. The Heaths mostly care about skating,” Jeff said pointing to where his long board was propped against the wall near the entrance to the diner.

“You skateboard? That’s so cool,” Mallory said completely impressed.

“We both do. Tobin is the one that taught me how.”

“You skate too?” Christen asked as Mallory and Jeff became engrossed in their own conversation.

“Yeah, since I was seven.”

“Do you ever compete?”

“No…it’s not something that…it’s just a part of who I am.”

“I can understand that. When I first got into cheering it was really intense. I had a lot of natural abilities so they fast tracked me to compete with girls two years older than I was. It felt like it was the only thing in my life, and I almost quit altogether,” she said before pausing to let some memories come flooding back to her.

“Why didn’t you?”

“My mom. She cheered when she was my age. It means a lot to her. I stayed with it for her, but I eventually grew to love it. I just think she will always love it more.”

“Oh.”

“Is that not the response you thought you were going to hear?” She wondered.

“No…I don’t mean no that it was unexpected. I just…” I trailed off not really sure what I wanted to say.

“I think a lot about me might surprise you.”

I looked at her for what felt like ten minutes, and she looked back. Her hair spilling out onto the tired blue color of my hoodie. Her manicured nails, that were reflecting the overhead florescent light picked at the loose threads around the cuffs. When I saw her slip her thumbs into the holes I had created myself I felt most of the muscles in my body go rigid. I don’t want to let myself feel this way again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to hear what is your favorite thing about the dynamic between Jeff and Tobin?


	6. I'm Trying To

After dinner Outside the Restaurant

Tobin’s Pov

“Thank you so much Christen for tonight, and it was great to meet you both as well,” Mallory said as we stood in a circle on the sidewalk.

“You’re welcome Mal. I’ll be counting down the days until next Friday,” Christen said bringing her into a hug.

“Ok, the only parking I could find was a few blocks away,” Mallory said looking down the dimly lit street.

“You shouldn’t walk alone,” Jeff chimed in. “I won’t take no for an answer,” he insisted.

“Thank you. I was worrying about the walk back,” Mallory said relieved.

“Absolutely,” Jeff said smiling down at her.

“What about you two? Are you going to be ok without Jeff?” Mallory asked looking between me and Christen.

“Mallory I’ll have you know that no one is going to be messing with them with Tobin around. Tobin took Taekwondo for four years,” Jeff said loudly.

“Jeff-“

“Christen’s in good hands,” Jeff insisted.

“Oh that’s good to know. I know that I just always feel more secure when there’s a guy around.”

“Ok Mallory let’s get going. Tobin I’ll meet you back at your car after,” Jeff said leading her away from us.

I turned around and began walking back towards the book store, to where my car was.

“Where’d you park?” I grumbled fishing around my packet of cigarettes trying to grab one.

“Right in front of the store,” she answered glancing at my hands that were now fumbling with the lighter.

I needed a cigarette now. We were walking slowly but every time I got it to light the wind swirling around us blew it out before I could light the the damn cigarette. I sighed louder than I intended. Suddenly Christen’s hand was on mine. Her touch caused me to stop my forward momentum. 

“Here,” she said using her hands to create a shield around my lighter and cigarette.

After a pause I struck the lighter with my thumb and the flame held steady just long enough for the paper on the cigarette to light. I quickly brought it up to my mouth and her hands fell back to her sides.

“I’ve seen people do that on TV before,” she said proud of herself.

“Thanks,” I said feeling instant relief after one drag on the cigarette.

We walked for several minutes with not much more conversation between us. And before I knew it we were standing next to her car, a black BMW, which was parked two cars away from mine. She leaned against the hood of her car and watched as I continued to take quick puffs on the cigarette. 

“Would you mind if I tried it?” She asked looking intently at the smoke being dispelled from my mouth.

“You want to try it?” I asked in disbelief.

“I’ve never done it before.”

“I think you’ve kind of figured out that I don’t actually encourage other people to start smoking,” I said flicking the ash onto the street.

“Then why do you do it?” She asked with concern on her face.

“My decisions are my own. If you really want to try it, I’m not going to stop you,” I countered holding the cigarette in my hands towards her.

She looked at my eyes and then down at the cigarette. She stood up to her full height and her fingers brushed against mine as she took it from me. She looked at it again, and brought it up to her lips. Her head angled down as she took a small puff. The cigarette moved away from her mouth but she didn’t breathe out.

“Exhale, it’s not weed.”

She opened her mouth and coughed immediately dropping the cigarette to the ground so that she could bring her hands up to cover her mouth. I lamented at giving into her request. She coughed a few more times before wrapping her arms around herself from the sudden gust of wind.

“I’m sorry,” she said embarrassed.

“It’s my fault.”

“It’s not. I take the responsibility for the decisions I make as well,” she bit back. “Can we wait in my car until your brother gets here?”

“You don’t have to wait.”

“I want to, if that’s ok.”

“Ok.”

She walked around to the driver’s side of her car and got in. I stared at her for a moment before she gestured to the passenger seat. I stepped on the cigarette that was in road to make sure it was out and slowly moved to join her. Once I was next to her we sat in silence again for awhile. I didn’t know what to say to her.

“I feel like I’m going to mess this up,” Christen said looking straight ahead and placing her hands on the steering wheel.

“Mess up what?”

“The fact that you are willing to talk to me…to acknowledge me.”

“I…what do-“

“I’m trying to decide what I want to say to you. And if it would be better to not say anything at all. I don’t want to upset you…or for you to not want to talk to me anymore,” she continued still looking ahead.

“I don’t understand.”

“Let me try to get this out,” she said glancing at me before looking at her own hands on the steering wheel.

“You might want nothing to do with me after I say this, but I feel like I have to. I can’t let myself contribute to you feeling uncomfortable. I’m sorry that I didn’t notice it sooner, but it hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw your face as the waitress called you young….lady…”

My body recoiled at the realization of her words. I leaned away from her and let my hair fall in front of my face as a shield.

“Tobin please don’t be angry…please,” she said emotional.

I let myself take deep breaths.

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. I’m not trying to ask you anything. I just don’t want to hurt you by saying the wrong thing. It should really be something that everyone does when you meet someone, ask what pronouns they use,” Christen said beginning to cry.

“Why are you crying?” I asked trying to control my anger.

“I’m sorry…maybe this was the wrong thing to do…this is all so confusing to me.”

“I’m confusing?”

“No, No…that is not what I meant. I don’t know what to say to you…I feel like I’m always one word away from never seeing you again. I feel like you always want me to leave, but I’m not ready to go.”

“Please calm down,” I whispered trying to diffuse the tension. “Christen…I don’t know what to say to you either. It’s just as confusing for me to be in this situation.”

“Just please keep talking to me.”

“It’s very difficult for me to talk about myself.”

“Would it help if I told you something about me first?”

“I’m not-“

“Let’s just try it,” she said wiping her eyes. “I want to be honest with you about something that not many people know about me. For the last few years I’ve considered myself to be bisexual,” she admitted bringing her hands into her lap. “I’m still learning about who I am and how I define myself. I think that’s a process that we all have to go through.”

“Christen-“

“Like I said I’m not asking you to explain anything, but I want to ask what pronouns you would like me to use, because you should be referred to correctly. You shouldn’t have to worry every time someone is about to speak,” she said trailing off her words into a whisper.

I stayed silent, completely bewildered that she was asking me this. That she had noticed so much about me, when so many others never did before. My hands gripped my knees feeling the stress deep in my body.

“God I’m so sorry, I’ve overstepped,” she said covering her face.

“I don’t know what the right thing to say is.”

“There is no right answer. You don’t have to tell me anything. I can leave if you want me to.”

“I just…I’m not…”

“I can always call you Tobin if that would be something that you would want,” she suggested.

I finally met her eyes, trying not to show how scared I felt.

“Your brother always calls you Tobin, doesn’t he?”

I nodded slightly.

“Then I will too, and we don’t have to talk anymore about it,” Christen said with a deep exhale.

“How can you be so honest with me when you barely know me?”

“I feel comfortable around you.”

“How can you say that? You don’t know me,” I responded frustrated.

“I’m trying to.”

I glanced out the passenger window for the first time since entering the car and saw Jeff leaning against the front window of the book shop. I immediately grabbed the door handle and looked back over my shoulder at her.

“I have to go,” I said opening the door.

I stepped out and Jeff smiled at me.

“I got her fucking number,” he said pumping his fist in the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading and drop me a comment to brighten my day.


	7. A Day At A Time

Tobin’s Pov

“So I definitely scored tonight. What about you?” Jeff asked me as I started up the car.

“That’s not funny Jeff.”

“Woah, hold up. What’s going on?”

“We gotta get home.”

“Tobin…turn the car off,” Jeff said gently reaching over to touch my hand that was gripping the steering wheel.

I did so reluctantly. How much talking did I have to do tonight?

“Are you ok?”

“You know my automatic response to that question.”

“Are you angry with me for dragging you to dinner?” He asked cautiously.

“It’s not you Jeff. I can’t remember the last time I was actually mad at you. It’s everything, all the normal bullshit things in my life that weigh on me.”

“But some of this is because of her…Christen?” He asked pausing between each word.

“Jeff…I don’t know what’s happening. This is not what I needed right now,” I answered slumping against my seat.

“Tobe did something happen with her?”

I leaned forward and slammed my hand against the dashboard almost as if it was an involuntary reaction. He waited to see if I was going to volunteer anymore information.

“She asked me about my pronouns.”

“Shit…I’m so sorry.”

I sighed, knowing that I would have to tell him everything. It wouldn’t be fair for him to think ill of Christen based on what I said. I crossed my arms and looked up at the old movie ticket stub that was clipped to my visor. 

“What can I do?”

I smiled at him.

“Don’t listen to whatever she said. You’re always Tobin. Nobody can make you feel less than or like they know who you are more than you!” he yelled.

I paused at the passion he was expressing. Jeff never skipped a beat when five years ago when I confessed to him that I had a crush on a girl in my class. And later when I first expressed to him that I was questioning my gender identity he just asked me what he could do for me.

Flashback

“Kayla…you’ve been in there for two hours. Can you tell me what’s going on? I’m worried about you,” Jeff said after softly knocking on the bathroom door.

If I talk about how I’m feeling then it makes it real. I can never take it back.

“K, it’s just me. Is this about Piper?”

I started to cry harder.

“Let me in. Please….if your not ready…I’ll be on the other side of the door until you are,” he continued not giving up.

I unlocked the door and sat back down against the bathtub.

“Hey, I wanted to give you your space, but I was going out of mind,” he said coming in. “You don’t have to talk…could I sit with you?”

I nodded and he sat down slowly.

“Jeff…I’m sorry…”

“You don’t have to talk until you’re ready…or at all.”

We sat in silence for another 15 minutes while I calmed myself down.

“It’s over with her,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry K.”

“Jeff I can’t hold this in anymore.”

“You can tell me anything…you know that right?”

“I ended it. There’s been a lot that I’ve been afraid to tell you.”

“I hate that you feel like that,” he sighed. “I accept you 100%, and not that’s it’s a surprise but it’s way more fun for me to talk about girls with you rather than if you had been into guys,” he said nudging his shoulder against me to get a smile out of me.

I gave him a half-smile, appreciating how much he was trying.

“Actually I hate that word accept. There’s nothing for me to accept. You are just being yourself, and nothing will change how much I-.”

“I don’t know who I am,” I admitted cutting him off.

“I’m listening.”

“I’m so confused. I feel uncomfortable all the time. I don’t know where I go from here,” I said exasperated.

“Help me understand what you’re feeling. Did Piper make you feel uncomfortable?” 

“It just happened so fast. She is the only girl I’ve ever kissed…or done anything with. I felt so lucky to have her interested in me. But today I tried to explain to her…that there are certain times…when I don’t really like when she…touches me…”

“Take your time,” he encouraged.

“I always liked kissing her, but when she wanted more…I didn’t…and she couldn’t understand why. She told me that I was beautiful and she loved my body…but I don’t even like my body…I don’t like myself,” I admitted getting carried away.

“Can I put my arm around you?” He asked carefully.

I nodded and leaned into his touch.

“This is killing me that you are in pain. If Piper couldn’t understand then let her go. You don’t have to justify your feelings. Just tell me how I can help. What can I do? You gotta let me all the way in.”

“I feel detached from myself. But it changes from week to week, day to day. From my clothes, from my…name….I feel like the furtherest thing from what a girl should be,” I admitted finally.

“Being a girl can look like anything you want it to. You don’t have to conform to some kind of fucked up stereotype…I hope I’m not making this worse?”

“No…but I can’t even connect with that…I don’t think I ever have. I’ve had feelings like this for a long time, but I just didn’t know that I had options.”

“What identity…I hope that’s the right word…do you feel like you connect with?” He asked with nerves showing in his voice.

“Jeff if this is too much-“

“Nothing about you will ever be too much Kayla…shit…I mean I don’t understand everything…you just have to explain it to me. Are you not comfortable with your name?”

“It just doesn’t feel like me…”

“You don’t connect with it?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok, ok, we have to find a name that you connect with. Have you thought about it?

“Some…a name that always stood out to me was mom’s maiden name…” I whispered leaning away from him a little.

“Tobin? Tobin…”

“Yeah I’ve always liked that name.”

“I like it too, but are you sure it won’t make you feel…sad?” He asked turning my face towards his.

“I don’t think I would know unless I tried it out.”

“Ok, then let’s try it out…I love you Tobin,” he said letting a tear escape from his right eye.

A natural smile spread across my face. I had called myself that in my mind so many times. This was the first time I had ever heard it out loud.

“I love you Jeff. You’ve never given up me.”

“Never, it’s the two of us always. Always…Tobin. How do you feel?”

“Relieved…scared…I’m always scared…”

“I’m with you. We’ve got each other’s backs. Not Dad or anyone else can take that away from us.”

“Dad can’t know about this Jeff. He would go ballistic…he would-“

“I won’t tell him anything. But how can I help you? If I can’t call you Tobin?” Jeff asked worried.

“I never thought anyone would ever call me that. I’ll just have tune it out, like I have been for awhile. I don’t what to risk it, I don’t want to go through that again with him. I can’t,” I confessed.

“I understand. What about she and her? You don’t connect with those words either right?“

“I really don’t.”

“What would you like me to use?”

“I’m not sure,” I said choosing my words precisely.

“Do you want to try out he?”

“Maybe. As much as I don’t identify with the idea of being female, I don’t feel like I completely mesh with a male identity either. It’s so hard to explain. I know that this must be impossible to understand. I think about it all the time and I don’t completely understand what I feel.”

“Let’s take it one day at a time and let me know how you feel,” He said taking my left hand in between his.

Present Day

“I was just shocked that Christen even brought up my pronouns.”

“What happened?”

“She asked me what pronouns I preferred because she saw how uncomfortable I was when the waitress called me….”

“You don’t have to repeat it, I remember. So she was asking to make you feel more comfortable?”

“She said that she wanted to refer to me correctly,” I whispered.

“But did she ask too many questions?

“Actually no…she told me that I didn’t have to explain anything. I just was frozen in front of her. Jeff besides you no one has ever noticed me like that. You didn’t say anything to her earlier by accident that might have-“

“No, no, you know I would never talk for you…but you also know that I never use pronouns for you in front of anybody. It’s always your decision if you tell someone and when, but I could never use she/her pronouns for you except in front of Dad.”

“And you know how grateful I am. I know that I’m not easy. Most people never question their identity, and it seems like all I have is questions. It’s been almost two years and I still can’t tell you what pronouns I feel suit me the most.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. This is about who you are, and nothing is more important than that. You aren’t a burden, you aren’t unusual. You are Tobin, and I love you. You have always been Tobin, and words won’t change that. It will never be complicated for me. Tobin is my sibling. He is the most important person in my life. Tobin is creative and dedicated. They are their mother’s child.”

“I miss her every second,” I admitted bitting my lip as an outlet of emotion.

“That is why we will always be united. That’s all she ever wanted for her children to be close. You know that dad didn’t want to have me, but mom talked him into it. She couldn’t bear the thought of you going through life without the support of a sibling.”

“More like she knew that I would need someone else in the house to survive what dad puts us though,” I said not curbing my distain towards our father.

“That had a lot to do with it I’m sure, but let’s not get side tracked. What about Christen? What’s going to happen now? Do you not want to hang out with her anymore?”

“I don’t know. The smart thing to do would be not to get more involved…but all she has ever been is nice to me.”

“Could she possibly be interested in you?”

“If you had asked me this morning I would have said hell no. But she told me in her car that she is bisexual,” I said turning to face him completely.

“Oh, we’re going in the right direction,” he laughed deeply.

“It at least tells me that she’s opened minded, and she has gone through some of that self doubt and questioning that anyone that’s queer experiences.”

“I won’t tell you what you should do, but she seems really great. She hasn’t done anything yet that would make you think that she wouldn’t want to get to know you more. If she cared enough to bring up your pronouns then she is obviously invested in you. Whether that could be friendship or possibly something more is a question for later. Tobin?”

“Yeah.”

“This could be something special. Take it a day at a time. That’s our philosophy on life right?”

I nodded in agreement.

“And she’s not too bad to look at,” he chuckled.

“Jeff,” I said brushing off his remark.

“Ok…she’s very beautiful.”

“Damn right,” I agreed punching his arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to all of you who are enjoying the story. Keep letting me know your thoughts.


	8. On The Edge

Next Friday Morning

“Kayla! Kayla!” My dad yelled through the house.

I groaned.

“Tobin,” Jeff whispered in encouragement.

“I’m ok,” I said grabbing my backpack and exiting the room.

“Kayla what the hell are you wearing?” My dad asked letting his eyes scan over my clothes.

“It’s…” I started looking down at my flannel shirt.

“Isn’t today fucking picture day? If you don’t put on some goddamn decent clothes so help me,” he warned.

“Dad it’s just a school picture, nobody cares about them,” Jeff said joining me in the kitchen.

“It’s her senior year. I will not let my only daughter be remembered like this. It won’t kill her to put on a fucking dress so that it won’t scream dyke as soon as they see her picture.”

“Don’t say that!” Jeff yelled.

“Oh do you think you’re a really tough man now! That you can talk back to me!” My dad countered stepping towards him.

“Stop,” I said stepping in front of my brother and staring at me father. “I’ll change,” I said holding out my hand to stop is forward movement.” Jeff go wait in my car, I just need a few minutes,” I told him as he huffed and walked out of the front door grabbing his backpack from the hook on the hallway as he went by.

“I least one of my kids does what I tell them to,” my dad said towards the door as he left.

I returned to Jeff and I’s room before he could say anything else. I placed my bag on the bed and walked over to our shared closet. I let my eyes scan through all of my brother side. I touched the few nice button downs that he had. A black, white and light blue one. He only had one tie, that I always had to tie for him. I had much fewer clothes than he did. I had purged most of my wardrobe over the years. Slowly donating and disposing of all the clothes I felt uncomfortable in. But all the way in the back of the closet hung the final remnants of my quote unquote feminine clothes. All that was left was two dresses and a couple of tops and skirts. I quickly grabbed the flowery summer dress that my mom’s friend Janice had bought me as a gift a few years ago. It was a thin material with sunflowers all over it. The back of it dipped so low that I couldn’t wear a sports bra with it. I took a deep breath while running my hands across the fabric. Every memory I had of wearing this came back to me in short flashes. Birthday dinners, parties, homecoming….a guy trying to hit on me… I threw the dress on the bed and went to the bottom of my dresser to search for the one traditional bra that I had. I balled it up in my hands and squeezed it tight. I just had to get this over with and fast. I undressed quickly, feeling the colder air in the room hit me suddenly. Jeff and I had disposed of the mirrors in our room long ago and I couldn’t have been more grateful for that than at this moment. I threw on the bra and dress and kept on the converse shoes that I was already wearing. I grabbed my bag and was out of the room in seconds.

“Let me see your bag,” dad said stopping me as I tried to walk by him.

I handed it over without a word. He was checking for any backup clothes that I might have stashed in there to change into at school. But I knew better than to try that. A year ago I went through this routine every day, until he discovered what I was doing. After he took a quick look through my bag he handed it back.

“Good, now go or I’ll be hearing from that secretary how you two are always late.”

I jogged out of the house and was surprised to see Jeff in the driver’s side of my car. I got in and slammed the door behind me. I didn’t even have a jacket to hide myself.

“Tobin,” he whispered unsure.

I suddenly felt his hand touch my wrist, and it startled me.

“Ok….I have my gym stuff. I know my pants are long but you can wear my clothes and I’ll just wear what’s in my duffle bag,” he insisted reaching for the bag in the back seat.

“If I change do you know what dad will do once the yearbook comes out?” I asked angry.

“I don’t give a shit about him. I can’t let you do this!”

I couldn’t stop the tears from coming.

“Can you just drive Jeff?” I pleaded.

He slowly tossed the bag into the back and drove the car down the street before parking it again.

“Tobin I will deal with the consequences when the yearbook comes out…I cannot let you do this to yourself. I won’t…I can’t watch you hurt like this,” he said pulling off his t-shirt.

He very carefully put the shirt over my head. I didn’t resist him, I still felt very emotional. We took the next few minutes to slowly change clothes. He waited patiently for me, and closed his eyes while I finished. 

“Ok,” I whispered getting his attention.

He leaned over and put our foreheads together.

“No one can take away your identity Tobin. Clothes don’t affect it either.”

“Thank you Jeff,” I admitted as he backed away.

“Is the belt going to be tight enough?”

“I think so,” I answered looking down at it.

“Because I can add more holes with my pocket knife.”

“Thanks, but I think the last hole will work.”

“Are you sure you’re ok to go to school?” 

“I feel about the same as most other days,” I sighed.

“Hang in there,” he said starting up the car again.

A Few Hours Later At School

“Tobin hey,” Christen said walking up to me while I was at my locker.

Things between us had been awkward since she asked about my pronouns. It had been a week and we had hardly crossed paths. We certainly hadn’t talked anymore about what was said in her car that night. I closed my locker slowly and got my first good look at her. She was in her full cheerleading uniform. From the ribbon in her hair to the temporary mascot image on her cheek.

“Oh,” I whispered.

“Did Lynn put my sticker on backwards again?” She asked self conscious touching her cheek.

“No…you just…I wasn’t expecting…do you have practice?”

“It’s game day. There’s going to be a pep rally at 3:00 PM, so we are getting ready,” she said surprised that I didn’t already know that.

“Right…right…I hope that all goes well.”

How did I not fucking remember that there was a football game tonight! I adjusted my backpack and started to walk away.

“Tobin wait,” she said. “Are you avoiding me?” She asked carefully.

I sighed not wanting to get into this.

“I am so sorry about the other night. Tobin please…what can I say to make this better?”

“I’m not angry, it’s just been a long day,” I answered noticing that her nail polish matched her uniform.

“I’m sorry that it’s been a difficult day for you. I was hoping…maybe…or wondering if…I’m just embarrassing myself,” she lamented smoothing out the persistent wrinkle in her skirt. “Would you mind if we talked outside before you go to lunch?” She asked suddenly.

“Uh…I guess I could use a smoke,” I answered focusing on how happy that would make me.

I followed her to the small courtyard area where she found me smoking last time. Once we were both outside I threw my bag to the ground and leaned against the cement ledge. It took me no time at all to get a cigarette lit.

“You sure this doesn’t bother you? You don’t mind breathing it in?” I asked prepared to put it out.

“I’m getting kind of used to it,” she admitted.

I smiled trying to hide it from her.

“So…I don’t want to talk about this too much, so stop me if you want. I don’t want you to avoid me. I want you to know that I would never share want you told me with anyone. I understand how difficult that was…Tobin…I want to spend more time with you…I want to be…I wanna be friends.”

“Friends?” I repeated mulling over the word.

“Yeah,” she said putting more hope into her voice.

“I don’t think you really want that.”

“I-“

“I don’t have friends Christen. It’s just me and Jeff. I wouldn’t have much to offer a friendship. That’s something that should be an equal relationship. I don’t have anything to give you…not advice…not in sentiment…I would be a terrible friend,” I said pulling the next drag deep into my lungs.

“That’s not….no…”

“No? What do you mean no?”

“I haven’t connected with someone like I have with you in a long time.”

“Bullshit,” I said on reflex.

“It’s not…I just thought maybe…could you come to the game tonight?” She asked before facing away from me.

“You want me to be there?”

“Yeah, you’ve never seen me cheer before,” she said glancing down at her all white sneakers.

She cared so much about what I thought. It’s baffling. I feel the nerves radiating off of her. Jeff already told me he wanted to see Mallory again. They’ve been texting almost every day.

“Um…alright.”

“You’ll come?” She asked eyes getting wide.

“One way or another Jeff was probably going to make me go,” I answered watching her bounce up in excitement.

“Great…the squad has been working really hard,” she said clasping her hands together in front of her midsection.

“Will you be the one that gets thrown in the air?”

She let out a completely genuine laugh.

“That’s what we call a flyer. I do that sometimes, but most of the time I’m a spotter when we do stunts.”

“Was that a stupid question?”

“No…it was just sweet the way you asked it,” she answered before clearing her throat.

The word sweet rang in my head for the next few minutes. 

“And Mallory keeps asking me about your brother. She’s really hoping he might be there.”

“Yeah I don’t think it will be too hard to get him to go,” I said surprised that I was already at the end of my cigarette.

“So I guess I’ll see you later,” Christen said walking towards the door.

“Ok be careful.”

“Careful?” She wondered pausing with her hand on the door.

“I mean if you end up being the flyer.”

“Thanks…we practice over and over to make sure we’re safe.”

I watched her go. It has become so hard to deny my attraction to her. So many questions were swirling around inside of me. I had had a few crushes on other classmates over the years, but this was different. The girls I liked never had much interaction with me. I was never brave enough to talk to them. With Christen she was talking to me, she was interested in me, and this hadn’t happened to me since my ex-Piper. She intrigued me. She worried me. Am I willing to take a risk? Am I willing to open myself up to her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know any future scenes or interactions you hope to see between these two.


End file.
